Oh DON'T go there!

*sigh*

I just hung up the phone with my mother. I am just beside myself that my mother would rehash the past over a question I asked her that had nothing to do with the past. (Ever have someone in your life like that?)

To explain, I guess I need to back up a bit.. way back.
My parents were divorced when I was three. They ended their marriage of 13 years and my mother was forced by my father to give up custody of me (for good reasons, not going into it here).

So anyway, I'm talking to my mother and she's having issues in her current marriage (it's been almost 20 years) and she's thinking of contacting an old counselor. This counselor had been a big help in her life in the past, and sometimes it's safer to go back to what's familiar when you're going through a rough time. Instead of talking about how this counselor was going to help her in her marriage, she went into this long monologue of how he helped her when she wanted custody of me. All of this I've heard before. . .many, many times. I know she went through a lot, being a mom in the late 70s and having her child living in a different state (which was her choice), but I get tired of her telling me how much she wanted me to be with her and "be" my mom. I don't believe her. It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up. I'm no longer little and naive about marriage or children or how motherhood is. So anyway, she gets done and then wonders why I'm so quiet. Wants to know what I think.
Seriously??

You don't want to go there.

I can't go there.. that's the saddest part. I can't be honest with my own mother. Believe me, I've tried in the past to be up front, honest, with her. Can't. She immediately tells me how horrid I am or some awful thing I did to her to hurt her (that has NOTHING to do with the topic we are discussing). Or she has things to add to the "tale" that never occurred. It's frustrating, but most of all it's sad. You're supposed to be honest with your mom. You're supposed to be able to have a fight, disagree, work through your problems.

I do not want to be like my mother. I don't mind that I look like her, I don't mind that I have her laugh, her sense of humor, I don't mind that I say quirky things that she used to say. I don't want to shut my children out. I don't want to tell them that I can't think straight because they are talking to me at the wrong time for me. I don't want them to think they can't watch me cook, clean, do my hair, put on make up, live.

I'm so thankful for a relationship with a heavenly Father that I can go to him and be angry, be sad, be ME, and He loves me just the same. Thank you, God, that no one on this earth is like you.