Who's Up for Another Roller-Coaster Ride?

What an emotionally challenging weekend.. and nothing had to do with Thanksgiving!

Yesterday Ms. Daisy hogged the tv all day and refused to let anyone watch it. Funny, but the last time I checked, MY name was on the cable bill and MY name is on this house. Without throwing her too much to the "dogs" I'll just say that I can't wait until her house is sold (it's not even on the market yet.. ahem, Morbid Man).

Today my day was much better - until. . . Someone broke my son's heart. One simple small action almost ruined him for the day. I tried to get him to calm down, but in the process I started crying too. It wasn't someone trying to be mean, it was someone that I know would never intentionally hurt my son. They told him he couldn't have something he really wanted because I hadn't paid for it yet. This was true, but I didn't know I had to pre-pay. We had originally agreed that I would pay at the first of the month and the last time I checked it's not December yet. I did speak to this person (an adult) that hurt my son, but I know I did not handle the situation well. I wanted to scream, yell, shake her and ask her, "What were you thinking!?" Instead I tried my hardest to fight back the tears and urge to yell, but I know we're not done with the conversation. I'm going to have to go into the church office and pay. . .and they'll probably be there.

I heard someone joke once that "the ministry" would be so much easier if you didn't have to deal with people. But that's why God made us all so different and put us in situations together.

I only pray that I handle things with Ms. Daisy and this lady in the way that God wants me to.

Take a deep breath..

now let it out. Feels good, doesn't it? Why do we rob our bodies of something they need; like, exercise. I've been attending a local workout gym and I feel amazing. I joined to try to loose some weight. Instead I've gained a little, but I've also gained much more. I'm pushing myself (with help from a friend) and have muscles in my arms and legs that are more defined. I'm trying to make wiser decisions with my eating. . . and not feeling like I'm hungry or I "can't" eat anything.
It's crazy, but why do we have to become unhealthy to see the benefits of being healthy?

I think it's the same way in our walk with God. Things go well, we don't pay that much attention. But God wants us to GROW. He doesn't want us to stay the same. . .ever. It doesn't matter if we think we're closer to God than "that" woman/man, He cares how we're growing.

If you claim to be one of Christ's. . .how's your walk? Are you growing closer? Where are your feet heading? What is God done in your life today? Not last week, last month, last year, last decade - today.

Old Dogs, New Tricks?

Ever find yourself in a routine? Even with my family of two kiddos and a husband we have a semi-routine.
How about those habits you do, and don't even know why? I know I've got those too.

Ms. Daisy and my Knight got onto a pretty big mountain today and decided to battle. Sort of a nice way to say my Knight got upset and finally "drew the line", so to speak.

I wish it was easy for people to change, but it's not. It's hard for me to change. God's so faithful to keep trying, even though He knows what I will do before He tries. And when I mess it up, He still keeps trying. I gotta ask my princess' favorite question, "Why?"

Because of my favorite verse. It's my favorite verse because it gives me hope that God is not done with me. . . .despite how much I fight Him at times.
It's Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ".

Hope. He's not going to quit on me until I am like Him.

People are people. We are all sinners who try to look nice and clean up the outside to look good for others. What we need to worry about is how God sees us.

If you are one of His children, He has begun a very good work in you, and He's going to finish it - no matter what.

Ms. Daisy Woes

I had an idea. An idea that I don't think I thought through very well. Ms. Daisy is trying to sell her house so she can go into an assisted living facility. Her choice, and it's a very good idea for her. My idea was to offer our home (and the home of "Morbid Man" - he hunts, that's where he got his nickname) to her to live for short periods of time until her house sells.

We've had her for three weeks, got a month break (she was at Morbid Man's house) and then we have her currently another month.

Throughout the times she has spent with us, we've had some rather crazy moments. I guess the reason for the dumping today is that I really, really, really, really am tired of my stuff being taken.
My recliner has been taken over by Ms. Daisy and her fur ball. That's where they sit. . . all day long. Then, my favorite travel cups get taken, my leftovers I had laid out for myself. . . the list is long.
Recently, the biggest issue is my food. (I know it's petty, I know it's wrong, but this blog is about me venting, therapeutic, remember?)

I'm trying to loose weight, exercising, getting healthy, etc. The past two times I'm getting out something healthy for me to eat, guess who comes over and wants some as well? Ms. Daisy.
I have two kids who beg, borrow, and steal all my stuff as it is; and perhaps this is why it bothers me so greatly that she does the same thing.

Today I got out the last bit of celery so I could finish it off with a little peanut butter. Ms. Daisy came over and muttered, "I think that sounds good, I will have some too."
I did what I recently decided to do, give it to her and find something else to eat. So I did .. but it still bothers me.

I have struggled so greatly in this area of just giving up and letting go of stuff. I know it's just stuff. I know that God gives it freely to me and doesn't sigh if I take the last little bit and ask for more. I know how I'm supposed to act, I just don't for some reason. I really, really, really, REALLY believe that the reason all this is happening is so God can mold me. I keep going through things and then waiting for the next great big thing that God is going to do in my life. I haven't seen that "big" thing. I know His ways are not my ways and I know what I may thing is something small can really grow to be big... I just want the eyes to see and recognize when it happens. So, here I sit, waiting for God to move and He's waiting for me to get it.

This world is not about me. It's not about what I want. It's about what HE wants. God is a great big God, but He's not too big to love me and number the hairs on my head.. . .And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He doesn't give up on me. He doesn't pout when I complain He's not giving me what I want. He doesn't throw a fit when I don't say thank you. He doesn't mutter under his breath.

The reason that I'm not saved and immediately ushered into heaven is so I can be more like Him. The more I let go and let Him take over, the more I'll radiate His glory and others will see Him. The more I will be more like His image and not my own the better off I'll be.

Besides, He made manna fall from heaven.. surely he can provide a little celery and peanut butter.

Long time, no blog

I keep thinking, "Man, it's been a LONG time since I blogged." Then I forget.

Sometimes I walk with God that way. I talk to him all the time, but I don't really spend quality time with him as much as I know I need to. When things seem to be going really good, I forget. I forget He's holding me, lifting me up, waiting for me to spend time with Him.

Lots of people can say they know who God is, but how many of us truly know God?

My children don't care how much I clean their clothes or wash their little bodies. They want me to sit on the floor and play games, jump in the leaf piles, chase them around the house, tickle fight.. . . quality time.

I'm gonna go have some. . .

Failure

I know I've felt this way before, and unfortunately, I'll feel this way again someday. I just never thought that I would feel like a failure in just about every area of my life tonight. And it was all of a sudden, too. In the last five hours I've yelled at my kids, gotten upset with Ms. Daisy, not gotten the house to look as nice as I'd like, and didn't feel desired in the bedroom by my husband.

How could I have messed up so badly tonight?

Times like these and I doubt. Maybe I'm not meant to stay home. Maybe this is God's way of telling me no. But I can't see any other way for my children to be cared for (even if it's poorly at times) unless I stay home.

I've got that lump in my throat. The one that will only go away after a good hard cry, but it's in the middle of the night and I can't have a good hard cry or I'll wake everyone up. I cleaned up the kitchen, set up my husband's coffee for the morning, and am currently making granola instead of crying my eyes out.

King Midas had the touch of gold.. I've got the touch of mush tonight.

Oh God, I'm counting on those mercies being new every morning.

Oh DON'T go there!

*sigh*

I just hung up the phone with my mother. I am just beside myself that my mother would rehash the past over a question I asked her that had nothing to do with the past. (Ever have someone in your life like that?)

To explain, I guess I need to back up a bit.. way back.
My parents were divorced when I was three. They ended their marriage of 13 years and my mother was forced by my father to give up custody of me (for good reasons, not going into it here).

So anyway, I'm talking to my mother and she's having issues in her current marriage (it's been almost 20 years) and she's thinking of contacting an old counselor. This counselor had been a big help in her life in the past, and sometimes it's safer to go back to what's familiar when you're going through a rough time. Instead of talking about how this counselor was going to help her in her marriage, she went into this long monologue of how he helped her when she wanted custody of me. All of this I've heard before. . .many, many times. I know she went through a lot, being a mom in the late 70s and having her child living in a different state (which was her choice), but I get tired of her telling me how much she wanted me to be with her and "be" my mom. I don't believe her. It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up. I'm no longer little and naive about marriage or children or how motherhood is. So anyway, she gets done and then wonders why I'm so quiet. Wants to know what I think.
Seriously??

You don't want to go there.

I can't go there.. that's the saddest part. I can't be honest with my own mother. Believe me, I've tried in the past to be up front, honest, with her. Can't. She immediately tells me how horrid I am or some awful thing I did to her to hurt her (that has NOTHING to do with the topic we are discussing). Or she has things to add to the "tale" that never occurred. It's frustrating, but most of all it's sad. You're supposed to be honest with your mom. You're supposed to be able to have a fight, disagree, work through your problems.

I do not want to be like my mother. I don't mind that I look like her, I don't mind that I have her laugh, her sense of humor, I don't mind that I say quirky things that she used to say. I don't want to shut my children out. I don't want to tell them that I can't think straight because they are talking to me at the wrong time for me. I don't want them to think they can't watch me cook, clean, do my hair, put on make up, live.

I'm so thankful for a relationship with a heavenly Father that I can go to him and be angry, be sad, be ME, and He loves me just the same. Thank you, God, that no one on this earth is like you.