Ms. Daisy Woes

I had an idea. An idea that I don't think I thought through very well. Ms. Daisy is trying to sell her house so she can go into an assisted living facility. Her choice, and it's a very good idea for her. My idea was to offer our home (and the home of "Morbid Man" - he hunts, that's where he got his nickname) to her to live for short periods of time until her house sells.

We've had her for three weeks, got a month break (she was at Morbid Man's house) and then we have her currently another month.

Throughout the times she has spent with us, we've had some rather crazy moments. I guess the reason for the dumping today is that I really, really, really, really am tired of my stuff being taken.
My recliner has been taken over by Ms. Daisy and her fur ball. That's where they sit. . . all day long. Then, my favorite travel cups get taken, my leftovers I had laid out for myself. . . the list is long.
Recently, the biggest issue is my food. (I know it's petty, I know it's wrong, but this blog is about me venting, therapeutic, remember?)

I'm trying to loose weight, exercising, getting healthy, etc. The past two times I'm getting out something healthy for me to eat, guess who comes over and wants some as well? Ms. Daisy.
I have two kids who beg, borrow, and steal all my stuff as it is; and perhaps this is why it bothers me so greatly that she does the same thing.

Today I got out the last bit of celery so I could finish it off with a little peanut butter. Ms. Daisy came over and muttered, "I think that sounds good, I will have some too."
I did what I recently decided to do, give it to her and find something else to eat. So I did .. but it still bothers me.

I have struggled so greatly in this area of just giving up and letting go of stuff. I know it's just stuff. I know that God gives it freely to me and doesn't sigh if I take the last little bit and ask for more. I know how I'm supposed to act, I just don't for some reason. I really, really, really, REALLY believe that the reason all this is happening is so God can mold me. I keep going through things and then waiting for the next great big thing that God is going to do in my life. I haven't seen that "big" thing. I know His ways are not my ways and I know what I may thing is something small can really grow to be big... I just want the eyes to see and recognize when it happens. So, here I sit, waiting for God to move and He's waiting for me to get it.

This world is not about me. It's not about what I want. It's about what HE wants. God is a great big God, but He's not too big to love me and number the hairs on my head.. . .And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He doesn't give up on me. He doesn't pout when I complain He's not giving me what I want. He doesn't throw a fit when I don't say thank you. He doesn't mutter under his breath.

The reason that I'm not saved and immediately ushered into heaven is so I can be more like Him. The more I let go and let Him take over, the more I'll radiate His glory and others will see Him. The more I will be more like His image and not my own the better off I'll be.

Besides, He made manna fall from heaven.. surely he can provide a little celery and peanut butter.

Long time, no blog

I keep thinking, "Man, it's been a LONG time since I blogged." Then I forget.

Sometimes I walk with God that way. I talk to him all the time, but I don't really spend quality time with him as much as I know I need to. When things seem to be going really good, I forget. I forget He's holding me, lifting me up, waiting for me to spend time with Him.

Lots of people can say they know who God is, but how many of us truly know God?

My children don't care how much I clean their clothes or wash their little bodies. They want me to sit on the floor and play games, jump in the leaf piles, chase them around the house, tickle fight.. . . quality time.

I'm gonna go have some. . .

Failure

I know I've felt this way before, and unfortunately, I'll feel this way again someday. I just never thought that I would feel like a failure in just about every area of my life tonight. And it was all of a sudden, too. In the last five hours I've yelled at my kids, gotten upset with Ms. Daisy, not gotten the house to look as nice as I'd like, and didn't feel desired in the bedroom by my husband.

How could I have messed up so badly tonight?

Times like these and I doubt. Maybe I'm not meant to stay home. Maybe this is God's way of telling me no. But I can't see any other way for my children to be cared for (even if it's poorly at times) unless I stay home.

I've got that lump in my throat. The one that will only go away after a good hard cry, but it's in the middle of the night and I can't have a good hard cry or I'll wake everyone up. I cleaned up the kitchen, set up my husband's coffee for the morning, and am currently making granola instead of crying my eyes out.

King Midas had the touch of gold.. I've got the touch of mush tonight.

Oh God, I'm counting on those mercies being new every morning.

Oh DON'T go there!

*sigh*

I just hung up the phone with my mother. I am just beside myself that my mother would rehash the past over a question I asked her that had nothing to do with the past. (Ever have someone in your life like that?)

To explain, I guess I need to back up a bit.. way back.
My parents were divorced when I was three. They ended their marriage of 13 years and my mother was forced by my father to give up custody of me (for good reasons, not going into it here).

So anyway, I'm talking to my mother and she's having issues in her current marriage (it's been almost 20 years) and she's thinking of contacting an old counselor. This counselor had been a big help in her life in the past, and sometimes it's safer to go back to what's familiar when you're going through a rough time. Instead of talking about how this counselor was going to help her in her marriage, she went into this long monologue of how he helped her when she wanted custody of me. All of this I've heard before. . .many, many times. I know she went through a lot, being a mom in the late 70s and having her child living in a different state (which was her choice), but I get tired of her telling me how much she wanted me to be with her and "be" my mom. I don't believe her. It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up. I'm no longer little and naive about marriage or children or how motherhood is. So anyway, she gets done and then wonders why I'm so quiet. Wants to know what I think.
Seriously??

You don't want to go there.

I can't go there.. that's the saddest part. I can't be honest with my own mother. Believe me, I've tried in the past to be up front, honest, with her. Can't. She immediately tells me how horrid I am or some awful thing I did to her to hurt her (that has NOTHING to do with the topic we are discussing). Or she has things to add to the "tale" that never occurred. It's frustrating, but most of all it's sad. You're supposed to be honest with your mom. You're supposed to be able to have a fight, disagree, work through your problems.

I do not want to be like my mother. I don't mind that I look like her, I don't mind that I have her laugh, her sense of humor, I don't mind that I say quirky things that she used to say. I don't want to shut my children out. I don't want to tell them that I can't think straight because they are talking to me at the wrong time for me. I don't want them to think they can't watch me cook, clean, do my hair, put on make up, live.

I'm so thankful for a relationship with a heavenly Father that I can go to him and be angry, be sad, be ME, and He loves me just the same. Thank you, God, that no one on this earth is like you.

Ms. Daisy is Driving Me Crazy

You ever have those people in your life that you wish would be easier to get along with? Maybe they chew too loud at the table, perhaps they slurp their drink or soup, or maybe they even tell you everything they think about you at the wrong time.

I have Ms. Daisy. A wonderful lady, but a lady who is very hard to handle sometimes.

Ms. Daisy acts the way she does because she feels loved when you do things for her. I'm starting to realize that if you don't do things right, she'll continue to not trust you.

I've been taking care of Ms. Daisy's medicine for a few months now. She's got an illness that effects her memory and she kept forgetting to take her medicine, or take too much.

One time I didn't have her pills filled when they needed to be. She called me, and I rushed over and fixed the problem. I asked her to say something if that ever happened again, because I cannot always keep track of when I was over to fill her pills (because I may see her several times in a week, but only fill the pills once). She ran out again a few weeks later, and instead of saying something she just waited for me to come over. So.. her medication was all messed up for the day.

Why do I care? It's an ego thing, I know. One of the family members who was taking care of her medicine is taking care of so many other things in Ms. Daisy's life they are not able to keep up with the meds. The other family member won't help. Doesn't want the responsibility perhaps.. so I decided to help out with her meds. Lately her medicine has been helping her, her test results have been doing well. I guess I've puffed up my "chest" about it.

So this morning I get a call, bright and early I might add, that she needs a pill. Now, this pill is the same pill that she complains doesn't work like it should. I fill all her pills up the same, so if she's missing one she'd be missing all of her pills. So I asked Ms. Daisy if she had any pills this morning. She said she did, but that one particular pill was not in the slot for today. I have a hard time believing that.

This is a woman who can't remember what pills she's even on. Has a list of meds that I gave her quite some time ago, but doesn't remember that she has the list. I really struggle with giving her pills when I really think she already took the medicine and just didn't realize it.

This particular pill (which again, she said doesn't work) won't hurt her if she takes too much, but what do we do when she says she didn't take a pill that actually DOES make a difference in her health? I struggle.

I cannot wait until Ms. Daisy goes to a facility that will help regulate her pills. That is coming soon and I will be very relieved. Perhaps she cannot say that anymore, but I'm sure she'll find some way to let me know that I've messed up.

But Mary Said..

I am still reading the Mary Pierce book, "Confessions of a Prayer Wimp." I even went on Amazon and bought a copy to keep (because it's so good).

I was reading yesterday and Mary said that women, on average, do not get enough sleep. She said we should keep track of how much sleep we get on vacation or some other time when we don't have to get up. So.. I did it. (Nothing going on today, yea!)

Eight and a half hours of sleep. Ahh.. boy, did that feel good. Now the challenge.. in order for me to get that kind of sleep each night (when I do have the kiddos to get to school or whatever I'm doing) I have to go to bed at 10pm. That is going to be HARD. I've been trying for the last week or so to get to bed before 11, and most nights I'm lucky if it's 11 when I get to bed.

*sigh*

Okay, Mary, I know you're right. I'm gonna try to get more sleep so I can be a more productive and positive and God fearing woman. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

BREAK TIME!

I think I'm more excited about Spring Break than my kiddos. I'm so glad I get to sleep in .. for a whole week! I'm so glad we don't have any big plans, no where we HAVE to be.. ahhh..

I had a "false alarm" of sorts with my hospice patient. They are doing better, but there are a few more tests the doctor wants to run. A sigh of relief, but I know it's inevitable.

My dad and my step mother can finally officially plan things out to move back to the area. They've been gone since before my son was born (a little over 8 years ago). My mom has not been in the same state as me for probably about 30 years. She is so stinkin' jealous that my dad and step mom are moving back. She has been seeing us for about two hours, once a year, at Christmas for the past few years. My dad flies us down.. mom doesn't pay for anything. We even have to drive my dad and step mom's car to go meet her. She's hinted that they might be moving (talked about going to Texas), but tonight she hinted that she might come closer to us. I really hope not.

When you haven't had someone close to you (physically or emotionally) then all of a sudden they want to plop in, unpack, and stay awhile.. it's not good news.

Then I think of Spring Break again.. much happier thoughts.

Did I mention I get to sleep in? I should get to bed!