Momma Has Had Enough

I love the skit that Mark Lowry does when he talks about how his mom had had enough.

I have definably had enough. I want to blame it on hormones, the kids acting up, just about anything then what I know is the problem.. . .I haven't been in God's word. I haven't been allowing Him to direct my feet and light my paths.

I'm ultra frustrated tonight. And yes, it is hormones (ahh.. that curse) and it is a kiddo (actually only one at the moment) that is acting up. If I was allowing God to direct me, though, I don't think I would be as moody about it. At least I hope not.

So, for now I'm going to get my little princess to bed as quickly as possible, tuck my prince in shortly after that, brew some coffee, finish wrapping a couple presents, and listen to my Lord speak to me. I only hope that I listen to break the cycle of this week's mood I've been in.. . .

Crash Landing

I behaved my self "unseemingly" as I Corinthians 13 says love doesn't do on Sunday. I was upset because I looked bad and my son saw me that way. I let my pride get in the way. I should not have said anything to anyone, I should have gone home and just forgotten the whole thing. . .but I didn't. I can't take anything back, no matter how hard I try.

Today I tried to apologize to the adult whom I hurt on Sunday, but they stated that they didn't want to talk to me anymore about it unless there were "witnesses" with them.

The news hit me like a brick, took all the wind out of me, and shocked me. . .however you want to put it.

Last year I had a rotten attitude while I was teaching the Bible lessons to the children in our church. I prayed for God to take me out of the ministry. I shouldn't have been having that attitude and still trying to muddle through God's truth. But, God kept me in. Now I feel as though He's leading me out, but I wonder if I'll be thrown out. It hurts me, but I know it's my pride. God changed my heart towards serving the children's ministry.

Now I have this meeting to go to, when I have no idea, and I don't know what to think of it.

God is God and He is in control. My flesh says, "Hey, I've had a change of heart, don't pull me out!" But I know that all things work together for good, for His good. God is faithful.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

Who's Up for Another Roller-Coaster Ride?

What an emotionally challenging weekend.. and nothing had to do with Thanksgiving!

Yesterday Ms. Daisy hogged the tv all day and refused to let anyone watch it. Funny, but the last time I checked, MY name was on the cable bill and MY name is on this house. Without throwing her too much to the "dogs" I'll just say that I can't wait until her house is sold (it's not even on the market yet.. ahem, Morbid Man).

Today my day was much better - until. . . Someone broke my son's heart. One simple small action almost ruined him for the day. I tried to get him to calm down, but in the process I started crying too. It wasn't someone trying to be mean, it was someone that I know would never intentionally hurt my son. They told him he couldn't have something he really wanted because I hadn't paid for it yet. This was true, but I didn't know I had to pre-pay. We had originally agreed that I would pay at the first of the month and the last time I checked it's not December yet. I did speak to this person (an adult) that hurt my son, but I know I did not handle the situation well. I wanted to scream, yell, shake her and ask her, "What were you thinking!?" Instead I tried my hardest to fight back the tears and urge to yell, but I know we're not done with the conversation. I'm going to have to go into the church office and pay. . .and they'll probably be there.

I heard someone joke once that "the ministry" would be so much easier if you didn't have to deal with people. But that's why God made us all so different and put us in situations together.

I only pray that I handle things with Ms. Daisy and this lady in the way that God wants me to.

Take a deep breath..

now let it out. Feels good, doesn't it? Why do we rob our bodies of something they need; like, exercise. I've been attending a local workout gym and I feel amazing. I joined to try to loose some weight. Instead I've gained a little, but I've also gained much more. I'm pushing myself (with help from a friend) and have muscles in my arms and legs that are more defined. I'm trying to make wiser decisions with my eating. . . and not feeling like I'm hungry or I "can't" eat anything.
It's crazy, but why do we have to become unhealthy to see the benefits of being healthy?

I think it's the same way in our walk with God. Things go well, we don't pay that much attention. But God wants us to GROW. He doesn't want us to stay the same. . .ever. It doesn't matter if we think we're closer to God than "that" woman/man, He cares how we're growing.

If you claim to be one of Christ's. . .how's your walk? Are you growing closer? Where are your feet heading? What is God done in your life today? Not last week, last month, last year, last decade - today.

Old Dogs, New Tricks?

Ever find yourself in a routine? Even with my family of two kiddos and a husband we have a semi-routine.
How about those habits you do, and don't even know why? I know I've got those too.

Ms. Daisy and my Knight got onto a pretty big mountain today and decided to battle. Sort of a nice way to say my Knight got upset and finally "drew the line", so to speak.

I wish it was easy for people to change, but it's not. It's hard for me to change. God's so faithful to keep trying, even though He knows what I will do before He tries. And when I mess it up, He still keeps trying. I gotta ask my princess' favorite question, "Why?"

Because of my favorite verse. It's my favorite verse because it gives me hope that God is not done with me. . . .despite how much I fight Him at times.
It's Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ".

Hope. He's not going to quit on me until I am like Him.

People are people. We are all sinners who try to look nice and clean up the outside to look good for others. What we need to worry about is how God sees us.

If you are one of His children, He has begun a very good work in you, and He's going to finish it - no matter what.

Ms. Daisy Woes

I had an idea. An idea that I don't think I thought through very well. Ms. Daisy is trying to sell her house so she can go into an assisted living facility. Her choice, and it's a very good idea for her. My idea was to offer our home (and the home of "Morbid Man" - he hunts, that's where he got his nickname) to her to live for short periods of time until her house sells.

We've had her for three weeks, got a month break (she was at Morbid Man's house) and then we have her currently another month.

Throughout the times she has spent with us, we've had some rather crazy moments. I guess the reason for the dumping today is that I really, really, really, really am tired of my stuff being taken.
My recliner has been taken over by Ms. Daisy and her fur ball. That's where they sit. . . all day long. Then, my favorite travel cups get taken, my leftovers I had laid out for myself. . . the list is long.
Recently, the biggest issue is my food. (I know it's petty, I know it's wrong, but this blog is about me venting, therapeutic, remember?)

I'm trying to loose weight, exercising, getting healthy, etc. The past two times I'm getting out something healthy for me to eat, guess who comes over and wants some as well? Ms. Daisy.
I have two kids who beg, borrow, and steal all my stuff as it is; and perhaps this is why it bothers me so greatly that she does the same thing.

Today I got out the last bit of celery so I could finish it off with a little peanut butter. Ms. Daisy came over and muttered, "I think that sounds good, I will have some too."
I did what I recently decided to do, give it to her and find something else to eat. So I did .. but it still bothers me.

I have struggled so greatly in this area of just giving up and letting go of stuff. I know it's just stuff. I know that God gives it freely to me and doesn't sigh if I take the last little bit and ask for more. I know how I'm supposed to act, I just don't for some reason. I really, really, really, REALLY believe that the reason all this is happening is so God can mold me. I keep going through things and then waiting for the next great big thing that God is going to do in my life. I haven't seen that "big" thing. I know His ways are not my ways and I know what I may thing is something small can really grow to be big... I just want the eyes to see and recognize when it happens. So, here I sit, waiting for God to move and He's waiting for me to get it.

This world is not about me. It's not about what I want. It's about what HE wants. God is a great big God, but He's not too big to love me and number the hairs on my head.. . .And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He doesn't give up on me. He doesn't pout when I complain He's not giving me what I want. He doesn't throw a fit when I don't say thank you. He doesn't mutter under his breath.

The reason that I'm not saved and immediately ushered into heaven is so I can be more like Him. The more I let go and let Him take over, the more I'll radiate His glory and others will see Him. The more I will be more like His image and not my own the better off I'll be.

Besides, He made manna fall from heaven.. surely he can provide a little celery and peanut butter.

Long time, no blog

I keep thinking, "Man, it's been a LONG time since I blogged." Then I forget.

Sometimes I walk with God that way. I talk to him all the time, but I don't really spend quality time with him as much as I know I need to. When things seem to be going really good, I forget. I forget He's holding me, lifting me up, waiting for me to spend time with Him.

Lots of people can say they know who God is, but how many of us truly know God?

My children don't care how much I clean their clothes or wash their little bodies. They want me to sit on the floor and play games, jump in the leaf piles, chase them around the house, tickle fight.. . . quality time.

I'm gonna go have some. . .

Failure

I know I've felt this way before, and unfortunately, I'll feel this way again someday. I just never thought that I would feel like a failure in just about every area of my life tonight. And it was all of a sudden, too. In the last five hours I've yelled at my kids, gotten upset with Ms. Daisy, not gotten the house to look as nice as I'd like, and didn't feel desired in the bedroom by my husband.

How could I have messed up so badly tonight?

Times like these and I doubt. Maybe I'm not meant to stay home. Maybe this is God's way of telling me no. But I can't see any other way for my children to be cared for (even if it's poorly at times) unless I stay home.

I've got that lump in my throat. The one that will only go away after a good hard cry, but it's in the middle of the night and I can't have a good hard cry or I'll wake everyone up. I cleaned up the kitchen, set up my husband's coffee for the morning, and am currently making granola instead of crying my eyes out.

King Midas had the touch of gold.. I've got the touch of mush tonight.

Oh God, I'm counting on those mercies being new every morning.

Oh DON'T go there!

*sigh*

I just hung up the phone with my mother. I am just beside myself that my mother would rehash the past over a question I asked her that had nothing to do with the past. (Ever have someone in your life like that?)

To explain, I guess I need to back up a bit.. way back.
My parents were divorced when I was three. They ended their marriage of 13 years and my mother was forced by my father to give up custody of me (for good reasons, not going into it here).

So anyway, I'm talking to my mother and she's having issues in her current marriage (it's been almost 20 years) and she's thinking of contacting an old counselor. This counselor had been a big help in her life in the past, and sometimes it's safer to go back to what's familiar when you're going through a rough time. Instead of talking about how this counselor was going to help her in her marriage, she went into this long monologue of how he helped her when she wanted custody of me. All of this I've heard before. . .many, many times. I know she went through a lot, being a mom in the late 70s and having her child living in a different state (which was her choice), but I get tired of her telling me how much she wanted me to be with her and "be" my mom. I don't believe her. It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up. I'm no longer little and naive about marriage or children or how motherhood is. So anyway, she gets done and then wonders why I'm so quiet. Wants to know what I think.
Seriously??

You don't want to go there.

I can't go there.. that's the saddest part. I can't be honest with my own mother. Believe me, I've tried in the past to be up front, honest, with her. Can't. She immediately tells me how horrid I am or some awful thing I did to her to hurt her (that has NOTHING to do with the topic we are discussing). Or she has things to add to the "tale" that never occurred. It's frustrating, but most of all it's sad. You're supposed to be honest with your mom. You're supposed to be able to have a fight, disagree, work through your problems.

I do not want to be like my mother. I don't mind that I look like her, I don't mind that I have her laugh, her sense of humor, I don't mind that I say quirky things that she used to say. I don't want to shut my children out. I don't want to tell them that I can't think straight because they are talking to me at the wrong time for me. I don't want them to think they can't watch me cook, clean, do my hair, put on make up, live.

I'm so thankful for a relationship with a heavenly Father that I can go to him and be angry, be sad, be ME, and He loves me just the same. Thank you, God, that no one on this earth is like you.

Ms. Daisy is Driving Me Crazy

You ever have those people in your life that you wish would be easier to get along with? Maybe they chew too loud at the table, perhaps they slurp their drink or soup, or maybe they even tell you everything they think about you at the wrong time.

I have Ms. Daisy. A wonderful lady, but a lady who is very hard to handle sometimes.

Ms. Daisy acts the way she does because she feels loved when you do things for her. I'm starting to realize that if you don't do things right, she'll continue to not trust you.

I've been taking care of Ms. Daisy's medicine for a few months now. She's got an illness that effects her memory and she kept forgetting to take her medicine, or take too much.

One time I didn't have her pills filled when they needed to be. She called me, and I rushed over and fixed the problem. I asked her to say something if that ever happened again, because I cannot always keep track of when I was over to fill her pills (because I may see her several times in a week, but only fill the pills once). She ran out again a few weeks later, and instead of saying something she just waited for me to come over. So.. her medication was all messed up for the day.

Why do I care? It's an ego thing, I know. One of the family members who was taking care of her medicine is taking care of so many other things in Ms. Daisy's life they are not able to keep up with the meds. The other family member won't help. Doesn't want the responsibility perhaps.. so I decided to help out with her meds. Lately her medicine has been helping her, her test results have been doing well. I guess I've puffed up my "chest" about it.

So this morning I get a call, bright and early I might add, that she needs a pill. Now, this pill is the same pill that she complains doesn't work like it should. I fill all her pills up the same, so if she's missing one she'd be missing all of her pills. So I asked Ms. Daisy if she had any pills this morning. She said she did, but that one particular pill was not in the slot for today. I have a hard time believing that.

This is a woman who can't remember what pills she's even on. Has a list of meds that I gave her quite some time ago, but doesn't remember that she has the list. I really struggle with giving her pills when I really think she already took the medicine and just didn't realize it.

This particular pill (which again, she said doesn't work) won't hurt her if she takes too much, but what do we do when she says she didn't take a pill that actually DOES make a difference in her health? I struggle.

I cannot wait until Ms. Daisy goes to a facility that will help regulate her pills. That is coming soon and I will be very relieved. Perhaps she cannot say that anymore, but I'm sure she'll find some way to let me know that I've messed up.

But Mary Said..

I am still reading the Mary Pierce book, "Confessions of a Prayer Wimp." I even went on Amazon and bought a copy to keep (because it's so good).

I was reading yesterday and Mary said that women, on average, do not get enough sleep. She said we should keep track of how much sleep we get on vacation or some other time when we don't have to get up. So.. I did it. (Nothing going on today, yea!)

Eight and a half hours of sleep. Ahh.. boy, did that feel good. Now the challenge.. in order for me to get that kind of sleep each night (when I do have the kiddos to get to school or whatever I'm doing) I have to go to bed at 10pm. That is going to be HARD. I've been trying for the last week or so to get to bed before 11, and most nights I'm lucky if it's 11 when I get to bed.

*sigh*

Okay, Mary, I know you're right. I'm gonna try to get more sleep so I can be a more productive and positive and God fearing woman. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

BREAK TIME!

I think I'm more excited about Spring Break than my kiddos. I'm so glad I get to sleep in .. for a whole week! I'm so glad we don't have any big plans, no where we HAVE to be.. ahhh..

I had a "false alarm" of sorts with my hospice patient. They are doing better, but there are a few more tests the doctor wants to run. A sigh of relief, but I know it's inevitable.

My dad and my step mother can finally officially plan things out to move back to the area. They've been gone since before my son was born (a little over 8 years ago). My mom has not been in the same state as me for probably about 30 years. She is so stinkin' jealous that my dad and step mom are moving back. She has been seeing us for about two hours, once a year, at Christmas for the past few years. My dad flies us down.. mom doesn't pay for anything. We even have to drive my dad and step mom's car to go meet her. She's hinted that they might be moving (talked about going to Texas), but tonight she hinted that she might come closer to us. I really hope not.

When you haven't had someone close to you (physically or emotionally) then all of a sudden they want to plop in, unpack, and stay awhile.. it's not good news.

Then I think of Spring Break again.. much happier thoughts.

Did I mention I get to sleep in? I should get to bed!

Everybody Does It

Oh, I know, I know, I know.. but it doesn't make it any easier.

I volunteer with a hospice in town. I've been with them, helping patients, for over four years now. My current patient is very ill and in the hospital. I do not think he'll come out, it's pretty bad.

I know everyone dies. I know it's because of sin. I know that God did not intend for us to be like this. It just doesn't make the heaviness I feel in my heart go away. It doesn't make me any happier.

I didn't think I was this attached to my patient, but after visiting them tonight, I really wanted to give them a kiss on the cheek or something; you know? I felt weird not touching them in some way.. I couldn't hold their "good" hand because they had so many things poked into it. So I put my hand on their forehead. Not as loving, but at least it was the touch.

Touch is so important. People who say they are not a "touchy feely" person have been broken too many times and probably need the hug more than they realize.

I don't want my patient to be alone. I don't think anyone should be alone when they are nearing the end of their life. That's not how we are made. We were made with that need for something or someone else. That can only be filled by God. That hole we have.. it's what you might call a God Shaped Hole.

For now I will pray for peace in the suffering for my patient ... my friend.

A Cross-stitch in time

I decided that I was going to take some time for me this morning. I dropped off my daughter at school and came back home for a bit. While I was home I cleaned up the kitchen and vacuumed my living room (amazing how in one day we can trash this place). Then I went to a local coffee shop (my favorite one, I might add) and after purchasing my coffee, cross stitched a bit.

I started back up after my son started basketball a few months ago. I don't like sitting still, and found myself incredibly bored. So, I organized some things and realized it had been YEARS since I cross stitched. Now that basketball is over, I was afraid I wouldn't finish my little bear (got two of them done before my daughter was born, I want to make a colleague for her room).

I got quite a bit done, and I was only working on it for about an hour! It felt great to get away and do something I enjoy. I need to make an effort to do that more often.

A Fresh Coat of Paint

Ahh.. we finally got my son's room painted. No more grey with dark blue and dark red stars.. (previous owner job). Now it's a fresh, beautiful blue. The color is actually called "blue booties", but my husband requested that I don't call it that color. (LOL)

I'm so glad it's done. I'm so glad a lot of things seem to be coming together lately. I just wish I wouldn't have eaten that bratwurst tonight.. it's definitely talking back.

My little man is growing up so fast. I'm glad he still likes to cuddle. I'm going to enjoy that as long as it lasts. I told him tonight not to change. I'm so afraid the world will try to turn him into something that he's not. I so wish God would hurry up and come back! Set this world right. Until then I must do my best to teach my children.

I keep telling my son (not so much my daughter, she's not really old enough to understand) that he is special just the way he is because God made him that way. If kids want to make fun of him and not be his friend, he needs to pray for them and it's their loss.

Oh, how I wish I felt that way about how people have/do treat me. I so much want to be liked. I guess I need to get over that.

More Family Movies!!

Dear Hollywood,

I am writing this letter to inform you of the sad truth that our society doesn't support good family movies. I think you should keep making them anyway! We don't want cuss words or "bad behavior" or sexual humor mixed into what is considered good. The minority of us family builders want a good family movie now and again. I know it's hard for you to understand, when you make movies that are good and they don't make as much money as you'd like. Please just do a good movie once a season. That would make my life so much easier and my kids to not be so bored.

Thank you,

MOM of 2


We rented a GREAT movie tonight.. Old Dogs. It has Robin Williams and John Travolta (to name a few big names). I instantly put it on our wish list when we got done watching it.

FINALLY a "grown up" movie that my kids could watch!

Why are they so few and far between? I asked my husband this and he said, "Because they don't make money."

COME ON "CHRISTIAN FAMILIES" SUPPORT GOOD WHOLESOME MOVIES!

For Pete's sake (I still haven't figured out who Pete is, but he must be important because everyone seems to substitute his name)

Obedience

God has shown me a lot about how I need to take care of my home better (mainly the people in it). I praise Him for that.

I am nervous, scared, and hopeful.

I joined a educational toy company when I first started staying home because I knew that money we are using so I can stay home is supposed to run out eventually. That didn't work out.. made no money!

Then, about a year ago, I found another company. One that I LOVE (I liked the other one too.. just expensive to do as a business). I joined for many reasons, but mainly because I can set my own hours and schedule. The problem was, I didn't do so good starting out. I was "setting appointments" and "doing presentations", all the while my children are craving mommy's attention. I quickly regrouped and decided that "pushing it" wasn't going to work for me. Things were slow until someone that I used to know in the corporate world came knocking at my door (literally). They were giving out insurance info and told me about this great networking group they joined. I thought.. bingo! That's a way I can meet new people. It's only once a week, cheap to join.. I'm in! It sucked time out of my schedule quickly. There was always one more networking meeting, one more thing I needed to do to "succeed". My son is having a hard time at school, I have tons of unfinished projects (and things I want to start) at home, and I feel like I have no time to sit down with someone and have coffee for goodness sake.

I've wasted my time. I've wasted my time that I was supposed to be taking care of my home. In humanistic standards, I only have a little over a year until the money is due to run out. I decided to stop pursuing my own business and get back to the business that I should have been doing all along. . .being the keeper of my home. So, for the next year and a half (and God willing, longer) I am going to try to be the best keeper of my home. I'm not sure what that looks like, but I'm confident God will give me guidance the more I let go of my ego and what I want.

I'm still scared. This is big for me.. huge! I've already had someone say, "Oh good, you'll have more time to come over and do ______ with me." Not until I feel as though I can leave my house and not wish I had gotten some things done around here. I have to remember to say NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.. oh I hope I remember.. . .

Breaking the Silence

I'm breaking my "rule" that I made for myself to follow some of Mary's (and my friend, let's call her Chile's)counsel.

I had a day that was totally down in the dumps, didn't know where to turn. Chile shined God's truth in my eyes (as she always does for me) and got me back on the basics.

Remember that I said Mary Pierce stated in her book (Confessions of a Prayer Wimp) to have all the clutter out of your life? She also talked about becoming unplugged. For as long as possible. I thought about doing it tomorrow, but then I thought I would do it for the whole weekend. I do want to watch a movie or two with my kiddos this weekend, but I'm not allowing myself to answer the phone (unless it's close family or my kiddos' school) or go online (except I HAD to blog about it tonight).

I got so much done this afternoon! I cleared out a bunch of "nick knacks" and put them in a box (a friend of mine is going to have a garage sale soon). I dusted on top of my cabinets (trust me, it's been to long) and almost got all the laundry finished.

I played with my kids, helped my son finish his homework, and got both the kids to bed EARLY.

Yep, I think God is confirming it. I have been trying to build a business I can do from home for four years now (not the same company, two different ones). I think I'm done trying to build it. I'm going to take care of what's in these four walls of my home for as long as God allows me to stay home. He will provide. Either my business will take off or He will provide something to sustain me when "my time" (long story, have to be another post) is up or He will provide the money so I can stay home when that time has expired.

Thank God for Chile. She is truly a blessing. I'm so glad God used her to get me more focused.. . .and I didn't have to pay her $50 per month (sorry, Coach!).

Ooze

I feel like at any moment today I'm going to come undone. I'm so tired. I'm so upset. I just want to drop off my daughter at school and crawl back into bed. But I can't. I asked a friend to meet with me to help me figure out how I can help my son at school (her son had the same struggles) and I really don't want to go over there anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I feel like if one more person wants something out of me I'm going to run out of the room screaming.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of doing everything by myself. I'm tired of feeling like a single parent who's married. I'm tired of "that's the way it is, babe". I'm tired.

I feel as though I'm spinning out of control. I don't want to go to my friend's house, because I feel like I'm gonna have a breakdown and she doesn't have time for breakdowns.

I don't want to feel this needy. My mom is incredibly needy. She never can have enough attention. But I feel so alone. I want someone to have time for me to blow my top, cry for an hour or two. Just to release it.

I feel like I'm oozing out. Like I'm loosing control of everything.. . .even myself. And no one has time to care.

But I had plans!

Good grief what a night!

I have been feeling bad that we have been running here, there, and everywhere every night this week. I thought (after I went to a viewing) we would finish the last page of my son's homework, work on his spelling while I cooked dinner, then we all could play games and have fun.

Au contraire, mon ami!

My son didn't want to listen tonight. He was fine when he got home, fine at my friends house (she watched my kiddos so I could go to the viewing by myself), but when we got home he was not wanting to do anything. I think he got super tired. He started getting in trouble and I realized he was majorly overreacting. He's tired.

So, I thought I would get them to bed early, right? Right? Right? Wrong! Now my son can't focus on just getting his pajamas on.

I so much want to eat a big hot fudge sundae on days like this. I'm settling for a chocolate cola instead.

Just what the doctor ordered

I was in a huge rush this morning, misunderstood a friend, got "caught up" in the crazy moments of rushing around, was "short" with that friend, felt horrible about it (I apologized, but I can't erase the moment, you know?). . .then had to go to a business meeting and act like everything was just dandy.

After lunch, my daughter and I shared some cookies and milk. I'm telling you what, it's just what the doctor ordered.

This is why I want to stay home. This is why I don't want to worry about "building a business". I want to worry about what snack to make for my son (and soon daughter) when they get off the bus. I want to worry about what kind of bread to make for the week/day. I want to worry about what great meal to fix (not think of the fastest/easiest thing to make because we're too busy for "great"). Am I dreaming? I sure hope not.

But for now, I'm still thinking of my cookie, milk, and company.

Costs Too Much

I had such a great day today.. until tonight.

My husband has a crazy schedule, but tonight he was actually home at a decent time.. then had to go to bed early because of his nuts schedule tomorrow.

I got so mad at myself for not having his dinner more prepared. I just ran out of time. I even left part of it out on the stove while we were gone tonight.

I feel so alone sometimes. Like I'm the only one in the whole wide world who is a stay at home/work at home mom trying to juggle everything on my own while my husband is gone at work for 10-12 hours a day.

I finally think I found somewhere where I could get direction tonight, only to find out it costs too much. I think that's when my bad mood really started. I realized it was going to cost too much to finally feel as though I could get some help. Not feel so alone. Share with others what's going on and feel like they actually cared and wanted to help.

I have a friend who I don't see or spend time with until I ask for her help so I can lean on her. She is a wise woman and loves God so much. I'm in awe of how much she has grown in the last few years in her walk with the Lord.

She told me that I'm not alone. She reminded me how much God promises that He'll be with me, is with me, no matter what. I know that I know that. My problem is, when I'm really down I want something physical to lean on. I do trust God, believe that He is holding me (trust me, it could be worse), know that He's there.

I wanted a support group, I guess. Which sounds really petty and stupid, but I did.. . .I do.

Tonight I went to a "workshop" where a woman (who we'll call coach, since she's a goals coach) helps those who are in the workshop learn what it means to be a wise woman (God's wisdom) and how to thrive in being a wise woman.

Coach was awesome tonight. I really want to go again, but it is $50 a month (cannot afford that) and it goes until 8 at night. Which the time doesn't sound long, but I've got two kiddos. By the time I picked them up from the babysitter and left "town" it was 9pm. They go to bed at 9pm. Then I had to drive another 20 minutes to get home, throw my son in the shower, feed the dogs (still dog sitting), oh.. and then my husband tells me how hungry he is.

It costs to much, and I'm really sad about it. I thought that writing all of this down would help me, but it just makes my heart feel heavy.

Blood Suckers

Please don't get me wrong, I love my kids, they are truly a blessing from God.

Sometimes, though, I feel as though they suck me dry. Sometimes, when it's late, I have no desire to do anything but veg out and eat chocolate after they go to their beds (notice I didn't say sleep.. even now my daughter is talking when she's supposed to be sleeping).

Today is one of those days. Perhaps it's me overreacting, perhaps it is the weather (rained, so they couldn't go outside), perhaps it's because my "period" is upon us soon. . .for whatever the reason, I feel as though I'm zapped out. As if I've given all day and there's nothing left.

I know that soon my husband is going to get out of the shower, sit in front of the tv to relax a bit, and then want to go have some "fun".

Frankly, I'm too zapped for fun. Fun doesn't interest me tonight. I want to veg and go to bed and be left alone.

That's not fair to my husband. I hate feeling this way. I hate that we don't get to spend many evenings together (work schedule) and he, frankly, deserves a little fun.

So, here I sit, writing my words out for no one to hear. By the way, this is extremely therapeutic. I have visions of two hundred years from now someone will be reading these words I write and feel the same way. I sure hope they know that they aren't the only ones. Sometimes that's how I feel on nights when the blood suckers have sucked the life right out.. . .

Avoidance

I'm avoiding you today, Mary. Or I guess I am avoiding God really, since He's using her book to "prick" my heart.

I keep thinking that I shouldn't take a nap, although the house is pretty quiet. My daughter is "sleeping" (playing in her room, quietly, instead of sleeping is more like it), my hubby is sleeping, the "dogs" (we're doggie sitting for the week, we already have one dog of our own.. now it's two), and my son is still at school.

I'm finding all kinds of things to do.. nothing of which will enhance my home or heart at the moment. Playing games on the computer and "chatting" doesn't really do me much good.

I did get rid of some magazines today, old ones from 2008. I told myself I'd keep them to do some craft projects with my kiddos "someday". I think it's safe to say that if we haven't done anything from the magazines this whole time (over a year, some of them two years) then we aren't going to do craft projects from those magazines. I have a ton of scrap material for "someday" projects. I haven't even gotten my son & daughter's pillow cases done! Those things are easy to sew...just keep finding "other" things to do. Perhaps tonight would be a good night to get those things done. I hope I actually get them done.

How much stuff do I actually need? I mean truly need. I'm sure it's no where near the amount of stuff that I've got.

How do we let our lives get this congested? How come we can't figure it out? How come I sit in my house, hate that it's so cluttered, but don't want to take the effort to fix it?

Granted, it's not as bad as some other homes I've seen in my life, but still... do I really need a "junk" closet, drawer, room, wall, floor area.. when do I finally say enough?

I need a spoonful of sugar

Okay, Mary.. this chapter was on getting rid of the clutter. I'm all for clearing my schedule, my desk out, even things in the house; but my wardrobe? Come on, Mary.. really?

I'm not gonna give it all away by telling what exactly she said; but I will say that I need to read this chapter probably another time or two.

She's right, though. We let so much stuff get in the way of us truly enjoying this life that Christ gives us. He said that He came to give us life, and life more abundantly. That doesn't mean we need more stuff. I don't need an abundant closet.

God also says in the old testament that we are to be still and know that He is God. How can I be still when I've got the tv, mp3 player, radio, etc. constantly going all the time?

Jesus told the waters, "Peace be still." I so much feel as though I'm getting the same message.

Too Fast for Mom

I'm so excited that spring is here. The grass is turning green, flowers are starting to come up out of the ground, trees are starting to have buds. It's as if all at once, God is having everything come back to life.

My kiddos and I went out to enjoy the beautiful weather tonight and as they rode their bikes I couldn't help but think how fast they have grown up.

I always said I have loved every stage with my son. He's getting so big now he really needs his training wheels off his bike. Just one more thing that he doesn't need help with.

Although he's gotten in trouble, he can operate the toaster and use his fork to "cut" his pancakes into pieces. Just one more thing that he doesn't need help with. (just supervision on the toaster part)

My daughter is old enough to get dressed, brush her teeth (with supervision) and put on her shoes (sometimes the wrong feet, but it's progress). She's talking clearer, using bigger words, even memorizing the books we read.

I'm so behind on my scrapbook for both my kids. I am trying to get my son's caught up, since he's the oldest. Looking through the photos I forget that he was ever little.

My daughter was so small when we brought her home from the hospital. I remember changing her diaper for the first time (at home) and once I picked her up, I almost shot her right out of my arms she was so small.

Where does the time go?

The Bible says our lives are but a vapor. Man, is that true or what? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was married, not over 10 years ago.

Oh, that I may treasure each moment. I know I mess things up, but that's why I'm a work in progress. God's work in progress. (Praise the Lord)

Busy Bee

I try really hard to get everything done, but most of the time I feel like I'm chasing my tail. . .so to speak.

Have you ever seen a dog chase his tail? Not very productive. They don't go anywhere, don't do anything. Except look pretty silly.

I went to a friend's house today. She was babysitting my daughter and I decided to stay for a bit since it had been awhile since we hung out. We used to do this sort of thing all the time, then we had to quit because she had a new baby, holidays.. we just made other things important.

I realized today why I didn't really miss our time together. I do like being with this friend, and am thankful that we have gotten to know each other so well, but it takes me out of my home for over 8 hours. It's almost like I left home to go to a job. It makes it hard to get much done on these types of days. Once I left this friend's home, went to pick up a prescription for Ms. Daisy (mil), filled pill box for Ms. Daisy, came home, put princess (dd) to bed. . .I hardly had time to rest until my son came through the door. Then it's homework, dinner, bath, bed.. . phew! I'm tired just thinking about it.

This same friend whom I saw today made a comment that she's said before. She said that I was one of the busiest people she knows. That may be true, but I don't know what I would do if I had her typical days. Hangin' with the three kiddos and no where to go, nothing to do. Perhaps I like being crazy busy? I'm not ready to admit to that...

I'm Old.. it's official

Every time we have Thanksgiving at our house, the whole family comes over. I like having the family over, but I don't like my nephews getting into my stuff. The last time, they got onto my husband's laptop (without asking) and were accessing youtube videos on it. Their parents don't really have many restrictions on what they can see and games they are allowed to play. I have a problem with this.. two of them are under the age of 11. It's difficult because I already am probably seen in their eyes as the funbuster (that's what I call myself in my own home). So I just tried to keep an eye on what they were watching and asked them to keep it G rated for my kiddos (using them as an excuse of course).

Today we had a group of people over from the church. We get together every Sunday after lunch, but this time was a little different because we had more "kids" than normal. These guys are teens, ranging in age from 10-17. The problem is they can't seem to keep themselves amused on their own. I have things for my kiddos to do, but they seem to get involved in whatever my kiddos are doing and then it becomes very loud in the room they are in. This makes it hard to hear when the "adults" are talking. I've gotten so upset about this, because they are old enough to be more respectful and are very capable of amusing themselves.

I keep thinking that I am overreacting because of my experiences with my niece and nephews. I finally told one of the leaders of our little group that we needed to figure out an alternative to the current situation with those teens. It's not every time, but once or twice a month we have to deal with it.

Today really bothered me too, because after everyone had left my computer chair was "readjusted" and a cord was out of my computer's usb port. The chair wasn't a big deal to fix, and the cord probably just got knocked out, but it so bothered me because it was my stuff they messed with. *sigh*

Guess I'm growing older by the second..

Torn

I was in with the kid's group at, minding my own business, when I got convicted by their song they were singing. It was talking about honesty.

I haven't been completely honest with some people. I stepped out of a ministry at our church for numerous reasons, but only told them one. So, do I come clean? I think the answer is yes. I really, really miss parts of that ministry. I have a feeling that knowing the whole truth would help future "helpers" who (hopefully) will come along and help out.

Darn, I my flesh hates it when I'm convicted.. let alone during the children's worship time!

A Long Day

What a long day. My parents stayed the night last night, they live in a different state; but are in the process of buying a house closer to us. They tend to get "antsy" if we sit around the house too much. I guess it's because they're not used to just relaxing in someone else's house. At either rate, my son had a basketball game in the morning and then I figured we would get him changed and we could go out. My parents had a different idea. They thought it would be better if we didn't go home until after lunch and went to look at furniture at three different stores.

Normally, no problem. Today, problem. I have a three year old and a seven year old. They're not gonna calmly go into a store covered with chairs, sofas, beds . . .you name it and be calm and cool. No, no. They actually did pretty good, all things considered. We went to a home improvement place first, then we went to a "regular" furniture store. When they started running around the store I decided it was time to ask for my dad's keys and sit in the car with my two little angels. Instead of us going to the third store, we were happily dropped off at a local bookstore for an open house event.

At first I was upset because the bookstore was a Christian bookstore and my step-mom is so against anything that might have to do with God. Then I thought it would be good that they go to the third store and leave us behind.. our good "luck" with the kiddos' behavior might backfire.

I hate that my parents so disagree with the way I want to raise my kiddos. They love that they are loving and kind (for the most part) and obey pretty well, but they don't want to admit that the way my kiddos got to be that way is by the way my husband and I are raising them.

I heard a commercial on the radio where the person talked about what you're willing to "sell" just to have some peace in your life. Would you sell your morals, beliefs, God? So many times I decide to "compromise" the way I discipline my children when I'm around my parents, just for peace. I have a feeling that God is allowing them to move back into our state just so I will be forced to stop this cycle. I am truly ashamed that I allow my children to get away with more than I would if the grandparents weren't around. I guess it's just another lesson I'm going to get to learn. . .possibly sooner than I'd like to.

Tired, but Good Company

I picked up a friend of mine and we drove over an hour and a half to go to a viewing. Long trip, but the friend had lost their dad (and they are a good friend). It was the least we could do to go to the viewing for a bit.

I love to talk to this friend of mine, let's call her Lady Cane (she sometimes needs to walk with her cane do to her health).
So Lady Cane and I are traveling and chatting, chatting and traveling. Did I mention I like her company? She's really starting to open up more, and I like that because I really think you get to know people when you can open up to them and just share your life with them. She, unfortunately, got an earful about my family. . .hopefully I didn't scare her away from taking any road trips in the future with me.

It started to rain as we came home, but God sent us a trucker. I really believe that. It was pitch black, raining, foggy. . .oh, and did I mention that I still have a sensitivity to light and night driving is not such a great idea? This trucker was in front of us almost all the way back home, and all I had to do was follow the red lights of the back of his trailer. Thank you, kind "sir" (who knows, it could have been a gal driving) and thank you, God, for sending them our way. It took longer, but it just gave Lady Cane and I time to chat more. ;)

The Short Version.. Seriously!

In 1998, I was a senior at a university, about to graduate in a few months.
I started to get headaches, at times very painful ones, right over my left eyebrow. The doctor changed my birth control pill several times, but I continued to have them.

One night, I was sitting in my bed, trying to read a book, and I couldn't see the print very well. Time went on, and my vision was worse and worse. It got to the point that I couldn't read my own handwriting. I remember being very scared I was loosing my eyesight.

I went to a doctor, he told me to try some drops and come back in three weeks. (the drops were like those natural tears stuff)

In that three week time frame, I saw several more doctors. One doctor said she wanted to do more testing for a detached retina, but scheduled an MRI to rule out anything else.

I had made "deals" with God before, but this time I was serious. I was lying in the MRI machine and I prayed. I told God to please have them find SOMETHING. If He would let them find something, then I'd never leave His side. So many people kept brushing me off as though it was all in my head (they didn't know how close they were to the truth).

The MRI came back: tumor. I was SO excited. Literally. God had answered my prayer!

I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor (or pituitary adenoma). The reason why they couldn't properly diagnose me is because I didn't have the typical symptoms (trust me, I've never been typical). With these tumors, you usually have high sensitivity to light (check), massive headaches (check), and loss of peripheral vision (oops, got all mine).

This is the best tumor to have if you ever have a brain tumor. Most of the time they are benign, which mine is. Mine is also non-secreting. What that means is that mine didn't secrete hormones into my system.. . .another tell-tale sign you have this type of tumor.

Well, I've kept my end of the bargain. I've never left God's side, not even for a second. I'm not at all perfect, but I refuse to compromise... that's what led to the first time I wandered. It was harmless; but after one, it was easy to do more compromising.

Since then, I've had two "debluking" surgeries and have to get MRIs every year to check on the growth.

I wish it would go away. I wish after that first surgery that would have been it; but I'm a slow learner. See, the Bible says that God will not leave me or forsake me. He has a "work" he is doing in me, and He won't stop until it's finished. I praise Him for that. Trust me, you wouldn't want my ways to be like God's ways. The trees would always bloom like magnolias and smell as sweet as a rose (kinda sickening after awhile). And I would have tossed those aside who wandered as far as I did.


Check out Philippians 1:6